I spend my days at home with my just-over-one-year-old child, and I feel that something is no longer quite right. For a while now I’ve been seeing a new psychologist, and we’ve built a really great connection – we’re somehow very similar people. One sunny day she casually says that maybe it’s time for me to bring something new into my life.
“Maybe the Tantrafestival would be good for you,” she suggests, almost in passing.
No overthinking. A week later I’m already setting up my tent on the festival lawn. I can’t really put into words the feeling of “coming home” that I experience already on the first day.
“So this is where you all are – my people,” I whisper to myself, deeply moved.
For more than twenty years I had been looking inside myself with the help of counselors and still felt alone in this big world – even though I actually had many friends. And suddenly that feeling is gone, after only half a day at the festival. My soul feels like it has arrived, and my heart is wide open. I’m incredibly curious, fully present, and able to express myself with a boldness that might once have been called “too much.” People feel real, sincere, deep, and honest. Half-jokingly, I admit that I’ve already managed to fall in love at least three times.
Still, I’m a little cautious. I’m a realist and a moderate skeptic, and I’m not planning to go along with any over-the-top woo-woo stuff. Even more so – I don’t intend to touch anyone excessively. I came just to observe!
In the first workshop, meant for getting to know each other, I notice a young man with a bare torso, wearing patterned harem pants and beaded bracelets.
“Quite handsome, but too spiritual,” I decide immediately.
Later that night we run into each other by chance at the sauna fire, and the next day at the entrance of the big tent, where he offers to bring me a mattress for the workshop. The Tantrafestival is – in this sense, and of course in many others – a magical place. New connections can begin in seconds. There’s a very real chance that the person sitting next to you could become one of the most important people in your life, a soul mate, or your best friend.
Yes, you could say that about any event with lots of people, but elsewhere it often stays just a theory. At the Tantrafestival it becomes real. You can look into their eyes without shame, hold hands, and talk about whatever your heart wants.
Or sit directly on their lap. Like I did.
After a very intense workshop that touched us deeply on a personal level and allowed us to support each other on that journey, Martin felt like the safest person in the world to curl up next to (despite the harem pants). Long after the workshop ended, we were still talking. We didn’t even know each other’s names, yet we already knew so much about each other’s lives, thoughts, and experiences. Later we unexpectedly met again at an evening sound journey, and after that spent an hour dancing together. I had a clear inner knowing that we would become important people to each other.
Unfortunately, that time I had to leave the festival already on Friday. It was incredibly hard – it felt like I wasn’t going home, but leaving home. I still remember the feeling with which I returned to everyday life. People suddenly felt overly filtered, hidden behind masks. Conversations were dry and superficial. Touching someone, unless it was a very intentional greeting hug, felt like a taboo, and I had to watch myself not to do it accidentally. Everything felt unnecessarily restricted. Something inside me had permanently shifted.
Martin was the only contact I took with me from the festival – at first, just his name on a piece of paper. I sent him friend requests on Facebook and Instagram, and when he still hadn’t responded by Sunday evening, on LinkedIn as well. I was very embarrassed; I had never chased a man like that. But to me he didn’t represent “a guy I liked.” He represented a shared secret: how to live a fully alive life without pretending.
Three days later we were back in Laitse at a soul-songs concert. (Yes, he did finally accept my friend requests – and I admit that LinkedIn was probably a bit desperate.) That day I had to choose between the concert and a very important meeting, and I didn’t hesitate for a second. I wanted to live again in my body and heart, to experience not thinking but simply feeling and being. A space where people are truly present and everything is one.
That 2023 Tantrafestival was also Martin’s first. He was just as new and curious as I was. Not “too spiritual” at all – just enough. Even his clothes at the concert were completely ordinary. But he held space for me when my tears flowed, trusted me with his most tender experiences, and led me onto a priceless journey of honesty and opening.
Over these two and a half years, so much has happened in both of our lives. It has been a process of discovery, growth, giving, and receiving. They say the longest journey a person takes is the one from the head to the heart. What matters most to me is that we have both chosen to walk that path. Each in our own way, but at the same time together.
I didn’t actually find only Martin at the Tantrafestival. I found my community. And also a reality that aligns best with who I am and what I believe in. People among whom it’s safe to grow as an individual, without judgment – and at the same time, never be alone.
-Külli Tedre
